Mothers Day

What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from…

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

– excerpts from T S Eliot, Little Gidding

I am hesitant to write anything, for I have so much to say. So much to say to Mum, to me and to you that I fear that this entry will take over the whole page. Or worse, it will not and I won’t have done justice to all that there is to say.

Mum died in 1994 of cancer. I barely speak of her these days. Time has gone by and Mum has become a memory I carry. Well, certainly not one memory, but many memories, held in a place of me that I don’t often go.  The details in my head  of who she was, have long faded. Her laugh is gone, the sound of her voice disappeared, the scraps of her handwriting I have are strangely foreign to me now.  Its all out on the periphery of my mind- all that is, except for one. What I can remember keenly and clearly, what has never diminished, is a great, big smack-bang feeling of  Love.

So without her about, Mothers Day has always been a bit of an awful time. A time where I busy myself with life and steer clear of Mothers Day Card stands. I made the mistake once of standing in front of a Blue Mountain Card stand trying to choose, through the inevitable tears, the card I would give to Mum if she were still about. Talk about woebegone – the poor shop assistant! Needless to say, me and Blue Mountain Card stands no longer see each other.  I am pretty adept at brushing away any pesky marketing that reminds me of who I don’t have to thank on Sunday.

That was until I became a mother myself. And Boom! All that I had popped carefully away in the back reaches of my mind and heart, came charging back out.  Mum hasn’t been about since I was fourteen years old, but somehow, with Albie’s birth I wanted to turn to her again, to talk to her, to lean on her wisdom and strength. But she is nowhere to be found and I miss her all over again.

Its in becoming a Mum that I have got  a new appreciation of  the relationship that I have lost. And while this all sounds deeply depressing,  in fact, it makes me feel HUGELY grateful. Grateful that I had a wonderful Mum to miss at all and grateful that it is now my turn to be that kind of person for someone else. There it is –  I think that’s what all this warbling is about. Albie has helped me understand, not just what it means to be a mother but what it means to be a mother’s child. It is something I had packed away for far too long.

15 comments

  1. wiping away the tears here…if i was anywhere near you right now i would smother you with the most enormous hug. your an outstanding mother my dear dear friend…im so proud of you and im very sure that your mum is too love you xxxxxx

  2. Sarah you write the most beautiful words… you have brought tears to me (happy and sad) thinking about your Mum. Your posts often make me think of her, and what always comes to mind is how amazingly crazy proud your Mum would be of you xxx

  3. Joining the bandwagon here…I remember your mum, she was a lovely lady and was so proud of you then, I know she would be very proud of you today for the strength and love that shines through your posts xx

  4. I now sit here with tears in my eyes not sad tears but of appreciation and love and the kindness and joy that i feel when my heart remembers my mum. Its the feelings that count your words sarah open the curtains and let the warm sunshine of love back in .It never leaves us some times just walking down the road we remember and feel it or when we read words from the heart.I love love and we all have it so we can always be in love 🙂 Love you you beautiful family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. Sarah, you have the most amazing gift of turning utter love into a free flow of amazing language, I am sure it is one of the many many things your Mum was and would still be so proud of. Albie is a lucky little man to have a mum with such amazing insight into what love is.

  6. This is beautiful Sarah, it brought tears to my eyes. You are such a great mum yourself and it’s good you can now celebrate this day.

  7. Beautiful lovely writing Sarah… thanks for sharing these feelings in this way (I think you have a real gift for it), as difficult as that has been. And thanks for uploading that pic too… am enjoying how happy they both look.

  8. Hi beautiful Sarah

    Thank u for allowing us to take a peek into your beautiful heart. I along w your friends feel you have given us a gift of whanau in your sharing. I’ve read your entry often I realy do need to print it off! what a legacy of motherhood ur mum has passed onto you & what u r giving to Albie.
    Thank you my friend, love Kalala

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